Jeffrey The Kindly Pirate

This was a little story I cooked up last minute for a fun birthday card.  There are many, many errors I am sure, but I wanted to share it with you anyway.

Ahoy and attend the tale of Jeffrey, the kindly pirate.  Sink me, you say, a kindly pirate?  Well, sit down and splice the mainbrace with a clap of thunder as I avow all below to be truthful, aye and right so:

Breakbones Killagutty, better known to all the world by his piratin’ name, Captain Jeffrey, was a mate of distinction, class and violins.  He was born in a small town called Bantry Bay and had a mighty wink for all the lasses when he was a child, as he was grown, he was no less of a maid’s man.  All day he winked and sighed to the passerby but all that he tried to woo turned him down for his low standing and gor-awful name.  Sure, he was good for a flirt, but not for the marryin’.  It got him so down that he turned his deadlights to what would become his great mistress- the sea.  T'were not long before he gained passage as a Jack Tar on the beautiful ship, Battle Dryad.

 One day his ship was caught in the doldrums and the men began to go mad.  The scurvy that had set in the previous week probably didn’t help.  One by one, crewmates murdered each other, leapt overboard, or sat there with a doomed and haunted look.  A week into those narsty straits, the sail still refusing to take wind, day dawned to find the parley boat missing along with the Battle Dryad’s captain and first mate.  They had taken French Leave and even the Jolly Roger seemed to sink in defeat.  But not Killagutty (who had already taken the name of Jeffrey), no!  Something bloomed in his breast, it was the onus of courage and the willingness to lead these scurvy dogs out of their sad fate.  He quickly got to rationing the remaining water, even foregoing his portion more often than not.  Two days later a Nor’wester came down and brought them to the nearest isle, where they learned the captain and his mate had been consigned to the briny depths when the other pirates stationed there had learned where he had come from.  The crew renewed their stock and before they pulled anchor, unanimously elected Jeffrey Captain. 

He took the duty to heart and hand, leading the swabs and mateys to greater glory and riches than previously imagined.  But he had this odd habit of pillaging only 25% of a mark’s entire stock, taking no prisoners but killing no one either.  It went that he would rather scuttle his ship than even harm a pod of dolphins.  Though he had the wind of many rivals, he always let them save face and withstood even the haughtiest of sauce back.  Captain Jeffrey the kind was respected far and near, he was even approached by a number of Royal Navies and offered letters of marque, but he was still loyal to the corsair ways and his crew.  He would never cry havoc, but dreamt of peaceful lagoons and honest air, a man smart as paint and lovely as fresh, brisk sailing.  Always a great supporter of democratic process aboard his ship, but Blood and Thunder, he was the victim of homicidal mutiny within a week!  Shiver me timbers.